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Listen, I love beer. I do not love Kirkland Light. My love for a good dark beer is one of my best personality traits. I will be slightly mean to a child for an imperial stout beer. This isn’t a close call either. I will tell a small boy that he can’t be a super hero because that’s not a real career path if it gets me a thick, 10% ABV, pitch-black imperial stout.
My love of beer has given me many a glorious evenings around some type of fire and/or friends. These are the times the poets of old wrote about. My love of beer has also given me a very dad like beer belly regardless of the fact that I am not a father. In fact, I made a comment to my wife about how I’m going to get the ol’ 6-pack abs back to which she replied, “You used to have a 6-pack?”
Apparently I haven’t actually had abs in years. I always figured I was a few crunches and some Intermittent Fasting away from regaining my former glory but there was a game on and I was tired so the abs remained illusive.
Also at $10/6-pack, at a minimum, my microbrew desire was leaving me ab-less and, well not penniless but with less pennies than I would have if I didn’t drink so much of that delicious sweet nectar of the gods. I had to find a way to spend less on beer and also drink less beer.
ENTER: Kirkland Light from your friends at Costco.
Kirkland light is an amazing beer. Here’s why: It’s awful. And, it’s $22 for 48 cans. That’s $2.75/6-pack. Makes me consider going into the individual beer selling business, which I assume is totally legal so I won’t bother checking on the particular legalities.
Why would I want 48 of an awful beer when I’m trying to drink less? Great question, me. Let me back up. It’s not real awful, just kind of awful. It’s awful compared to caramel dark tongue-orgasm-inspiring chocolate porter. When compared to any number of shit domestic beers your friends who like chew and wranglers drink it’s actually not bad. I think it’s better than any number of domestic options. However, domestic beer is terrible, so I rarely drink it.
“So what’s your secret?”-You
My secret is to keep my fridge stocked with Kirkland Light beer. Which, by the way, has the best label because it literally just says LIGHT BEER. They know who they are and what they’re selling. I don’t go buy new beer because I already HAVE beer. If I go out and buy a micro-brew 6-pack I will drink it within a couple days. If I have several cold cans of Kirkland Light in the fridge they tend to last me quite a while.
Whenever I have a hankering for some delicious brew I think about how my only option is Kirkland Light and almost always I opt instead for literally anything else because usually that will taste better. Plain soda water? Yeah I’ll take that. Actual water? Is it cold? Ok sure. So far I’ve lost 11 pounds of belly fat just by switching to an awful beer that I never want to consume. It’s like magic.
“do you realize you’re tricking yourself?”- you, again
I am well aware that I am tryin to pull the wool over my own eyes but I don’t care because it is working. I am now down to drinking beer only on rare occasions and even then I don’t really enjoy it because it’s goddamned Kirkland Light.
Don’t cry for me too hard. Every once in a while I still find my way to somewhere less depressing than my own house and those places usually have dark beer for me to splurge on.
for my friends with pickup trucks
If you are one of those people who make horrible life choices like routinely drinking ungodly amounts of cheap domestic beer you should really give Kirkland Light a chance. Even domestic beer bought one 6-pack at a time, or even by the case, is double price or more to Kirkland Light. It’s genuinely just as awful/will get you drunk/tastes the same as any of the top brands of domestic beer.
I’m in the best shape of my life (not counting before I turned 21) and it’s all thanks to Kirkland Light. If anyone needs me I’ll be doing crunches and day dreaming about an imperial stout.
Related:
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