Saturday, 6/22/2019 Slow-Carb Diet Cheat day.

• 6:30am- Protein/collagen shake in almond milk 250 calories
• 7:00am- Coffee with coconut cream 50 calories
• 7:30am- 3 eggs 1 cup sauerkraut 300 calories
• (8:50am- 75 kettle bell swings with 50lb kettle bell)
• 8:55am- 1 cup grapefruit juice 100 calories
• 9:00am- One chocolate filled donut 240 calories
• (10:30am- 10 pull-ups 50 air squats 25 push-ups)
• 10:45am- Two donuts- Jelly filled glazed and twisted glazed 600 calories
• 11:00am- Black coffee with cinnamon 5 calories
• 1:00pm- Black coffee with cinnamon 5 calories
• 3:00pm- 1 1/2 cup Dreyers Drumstick ice cream with one tablespoon Adam’s crunchy peanut butter 710 calories
• 5:30pm- Ramen from Yuzu 600 calories
• 9:00pm- Dragon’s Milk 11% Stout 600 calories
• 9:30pm- 3 cups Dreyers Drumstick ice cream with three tablespoons Adam’s crunchy peanut butter 1590 calories
• 10:00pm- Guacamole and chips 400 calories
• 10:30pm- Bed
• Total cheat day calories 5450

Now that Game of Thrones is over we have nothing better to do with our free time, so we started reading Tim Ferriss’ best-selling book The 4-Hour Body. In it he shares a wealth of information from how to lose fat, quickly gain muscle, improve your sex life, and even how to properly swing a baseball bat. It’s an interesting book that’s well worth a look if you’re into any of those pursuits.

The above list of food is what I gorged myself on during one of my Saturday cheat days. If you look closely you’ll notice a few random quick workouts, grapefruit juice, and lots of ice cream. Don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan…I think.

Trying out the slow-carb diet.

First off, I hate the word diet. It’s a bad word that brings up negative connotations and sadness for a lot of people. I think there can be a benefit to drastically changing your eating habits for a short time in certain circumstances, but the reason most diets fail is because they aren’t sustainable. You should strive to have a healthy diet, not be on a healthy diet.

That being said, let’s talk about this new diet I’m on for some reason.

Disclaimer: I have no idea if this diet is going to work or if it’s sustainable long-term. It’s an experiment and this post is only Part I. 

Many of the people who follow the slow-carb diet lose tremendous amounts of weight in a short time. I don’t have a tremendous amount of weight to lose, but I’m still curious if it can help me lose that last bit of belly fat. Plus, I’ll try any diet that allows me to eat as much ice cream and pizza as I can manage to shove into my mouth.

As a baseline I’m 180 pounds, approximately 14% body fat, and I’ve been doing Intermittent Fasting pretty consistently for about a year. Intermittent fasting and cutting way down on beer has already helped me lose most of the belly fat I had acquired. I’m curious to see if the strictness of this diet is the extra push I need to get abs and finally make my grandmother proud, or if eating a carton of ice cream every Saturday somehow has negative results.

One negative right out of the gate is I will be giving up intermittent fasting for the first few months. One of the slow-carb diet keys to success is eating 30g of protein immediately upon waking. “When you skip breakfast, you fail,” my buddy Tim says. So, intermittent fasting is out, for the time being.

I really like the lifestyle of intermittent fasting and I’m curious how the slow-carb diet stacks up in comparison. Overall I’m happy with my body, but if simply changing WHEN I eat certain foods and replacing a couple others is the difference between having a six-pack and having a fluffy tummy, then I’m on board with the experiment.

I’ll evaluate my results over the course of a few months and I’d like to eventually combine intermittent fasting with the slow-carb diet to see if the two counter-act each other or if they enhance each other. If Tim Ferriss was a religious leader he would be very okay with this experimentation of the faith because he’s all about experimentation.

Changing your diet

There’s two ways to look at any relatively extreme eating regimen– I can’t eat x, y and z, and the ONLY benefit is a healthier body vs I get a healthier body and the ONLY thing I have to do is NOT eat x, y and z. It’s a subtle difference, but an important distinction. In one case you’re looking at what you’re missing out on: foods x, y, and z. In the other you’re looking at what you’re gaining: A healthier, more attractive body to exist in.

I try to think about this distinction while I’m gagging on Brussels sprouts while my ice cream sits lonely and cold in the freezer. Saturday, my love, Saturday.

The basic idea of the slow-carb diet is if you follow these five rules (as outlined by Tim Ferris in his book The 4-Hour Body) you will lose fat.

1: Avoid “white” carbohydrates (or anything that can be white, cauliflower is an exception).

2: Eat the same few meals over and over again.

3: Don’t drink calories.

4: Don’t eat fruit.

5: Take one day off per week and go nuts.

It was rule #5 that really caught my attention. Once per week you are instructed to eat anything and everything you can think of. Go nuts. The last several Saturdays (my designated cheat day) I’ve consumed between 5,000-6,000 calories by eating as much as I want of whatever I want. It’s been years since I’ve allowed myself to eat donuts. I might have accidentally opened Pandora’s box. If Part II doesn’t come out for over a year and consists of home videos of me being 340 pounds rolling around on the ground crying because we’re out of sugar puffs, then we’ll know this diet backfired.

Cheat daaaaayyyy

Saturday is cheat day, and on cheat day I feel like this…

My internal emotions are that of a kid licking a sucker on top of a monkey bar set saying, “Nananabooboo you can’t get me (fat).” The other six days my internal emotions are decidedly more reserved.

More like this…

On days that aren’t cheat days I’m allowed to eat as much as I want, just not of foods anybody wants to eat a lot of. Non-cheat day foods include lots of beans, mixed vegetables, eggs, fermented foods like sauerkraut and kimchee, salads and meat.

So, Saturdays are a lot of fun on this diet. The rest of the week is good patience building. Here’s what I eat on days that aren’t cheat days:

6:00am- 30g protein drink first thing in the morning as per instructions. (Kind of a gray area. He says don’t drink calories but I assume that means empty calories like juice and soda. In his book he says a protein shake is okay but whole food is ideal to get the 30g of protein when you wake up, if you can stomach it.)

First Meal 8:00am-3 eggs, sauerkraut, pinto or black beans

Second Meal 12:00pm- Steamed mixed vegetables, pinto or black beans, sausage pieces

Third Meal 4:00pm- Large salad with pinto or black beans, sometimes with a meat

Fourth Meal 8:00pm- Tuna with mayo, relish, onions, mustard, pickled asparagus, etc… Beans, probably.

Every. Single. Day.

So, not super fun. I don’t literally eat the same thing for every meal, but those are the basic ingredients that I mix around. The times aren’t exact either, but that’s the basic outline. It’s actually not all that bad. You can mix flavors up by adding or subtracting an ingredient or two. He says most people greatly over-estimate the variation of food they eat in a given week.

This is close to how we normally eat. The main differences are we had to cut out white rice as a staple and replace it with more beans and lots of vegetables. Sadly, I had to cut out my evening ice cream and whiskey, and instead of fasting until noon, I now eat as soon as I wake up.

On non-cheat days you’re allowed to have red wine, but no beer. He doesn’t get into whether or not you can have whiskey, but it’s good mental training for me to limit my whiskey consumption to one or two nights per week anyway.

Yearly Physical

On July 12th I had my yearly physical. This is unrelated to the slow-carb diet other than a couple of my numbers were concerning to Mrs. Burrito Bowl. Turns out my cholesterol was high despite being a freedom loving red-blooded American. On top of that my glucose level had jumped from 81 mg/dl in 2018 to 102 mg/dl in 2019, which is some bullshit. And yes, I am well aware leading off this article bragging about eating an entire carton of ice cream, only then to admit being borderline pre-diabetic might be sending mixed signals. What can you do?

I’ve been doing the slow-carb diet for about three weeks so far, so I don’t think enough time has elapsed for that to be the cause of my less than stellar blood results. My cholesterol was high last year, but I had halfway chalked those results up to having a pizza eating contest the day before. Mrs. Burrito Bowl says that’s not how those tests work, but she also wanted me to stop having pizza eating contests. Talk about wanting to have your cake and eat it too. She’s a nurse so, hard to say who is right.

It is possible the cheat days on the slow-carb diet might be turning me into a 56-year-old diabetic who’s about to have a heart attack -OR- my numbers might be precipitously falling and there just hasn’t been enough time elapsed to really get back into optimum range.  Only time will tell.

I spent most of Friday evening scratching my head about my glucose levels. I’m a healthy guy, damnit. I have abs in the right light. I can do pull-ups. Why the f*** is my blood glucose above 100 mg/dl?! I am not a good candidate for diabetes, the needles scare me. I get uncomfortably hot just being in a doctor’s office. Why did Mrs. Burrito Bowl make me eat so much broccoli?!? I’m getting myself worked up.

Just breathe. Wim Hof.

What I learned though is that being on the slow carb diet (or ketogenic diets) can artificially raise your blood glucose levels. It doesn’t mean you’re actually pre-diabetic. When you’re on a ketogenic or slow-carb diet your body starts burning fat for fuel instead of sugar (which is the whole point) so your body just gets rid of the access sugar through your blood. I might have totally messed the science up. Listen, I’m not a doctor. Read this article if you want to get into the nitty gritty of it.

It theoretically is possible that I actually do have elevated glucose levels and the fact that there can be a false positive due to being on a slow-carb diet could just be a coincidence. If I were a betting man I'd bet that my reading is artificially high, but it's silly to take chances with your health so I will get my glucose levels retested and report back on PART II of this post (which doesn't exist, yet).

Here’s an updated picture of my glucose reading.

Mrs. Burrito Bowl is a saint with her diet so she legitimately was not surprised that I might be pre-diabetic. Nonsense. It was a false positive you guys. Let’s not worry about it again. The high cholesterol could be genetic, diet, or a combination of both.  That one I can’t sweep under the rug so easily. The high glucose though? It’s not a thing. Continue following my dietary advice (I am not a physician, consult one before following any of my advice, even financial).

Things I love about the slow-carb diet so far

I love the idea of being able to have one guilt-free cheat day per week. I think this is huge. Not only does it actually help you lose weight faster than not having a cheat day, but mentally saying, “I’ll see you Saturday, pizza,” is way easier than, “I guess I just don’t eat pizza anymore.”

I’m typically fairly strict with my diet, but I do allow myself pizza, beer, ice cream etc. if the mood strikes. The mood tends to strike more often than not. So, I guess maybe I’m normally not that strict. But, I don’t allow myself to just buy a box of donuts and force feed myself until I’m sick. On cheat day though, that’s exactly what I do. (Editor’s Note: After inputting my blood test results I might not exactly be coming across as someone you should aspire to follow diet-wise. I’m in pretty good shape though guys, honest.)

When you change your relationship to food the diet isn’t that hard. Here’s a few things I try to keep in mind when I feel discouraged or Saturday feels like it’s particularly far away.

1.  You can eat whatever you want, just not right now. This is great stoicism training and it reminds me I’m not in a hopeless loop of never enjoying my favorite foods. We could all use a little more delayed gratification in our lives.
2. Food doesn’t have to always taste amazing. Broccoli is a bullshit vegetable, it just is. Just get it in there. Its purpose is to provide you energy, not to make your mouth have an orgasm.
3. What you eat affects how you feel ALL DAY. You can eat a donut and have mouth pleasure for a few seconds, and even that euphoric sugar rush for a few minutes, but eventually that feeling will be gone and you’ll be left feeling groggy and tired. Conversely, you can spend a few semi-uncomfortable minutes eating healthy food and you’ll feel energetic the rest of the day. I’m always struck with how much worse my body feels on cheat day. It’s way more fun, but I’m usually battling a headache, grogginess, and a general lack of energy on Saturdays.
4. Eating healthy doesn’t have to taste bad. I know the last two points were me complaining about how much less fun it is to eat healthy, but once you give in to the sweet defeat of eating healthy, it’s not so bad. There are plenty of ways to make beans, vegetables, and meat taste very satisfying. Spices, hot sauces, and oils go a long way on steamed vegetables.
5. Mrs. Burrito Bowl is going to take away all the things you love if you don’t get your glucose and cholesterol levels in check. This is good motivation. But also, I’ve been eating a lot of broccoli lately. Maybe that’s the issue. You guys, I am so relieved I found a few articles about artificially high glucose tests when on low-carb diets. I know I could just edit that entire section out, but I want you to appreciate what an ordeal I’ve been through tonight. Cheat day was almost ruined. How could I enjoy eating an entire pizza knowing my glucose levels were dangerously high? It would have been much harder.

Fitness

I finally rejoined my gym and I’ll be incorporating a new exercise program into my life- Occam’s Protocol. Occam’s Protocol is a program detailed in the 4-Hour Boy and will go along with the slow-carb diet. The two are semi-conflicting, as one is for muscle gain and one is for fat loss, so I might regret doing both at the same time. But, I’m a wild man, let it ride.

The general idea of Occam’s Protocol is you do a total of about 10 minutes of exercise split into two workouts. Each workout is two exercises, one set to failure each.

It sounds absurd, that’s why I’m so excited to try it.

Workout A is military press and lat-pulldowns, workout B is decline bench and leg press. I’ll do a post just on this as I think it’s an intriguing idea. The goal is to get to the minimum effective dose that gets you results.  The key to the one set is you do each lift at a 5×5 cadence. Five seconds up and five seconds down. It’s super hard. I did workout B on Wednesday and I still can’t walk right. Instead of spending an hour in the gym, you can spend 10 minutes and get almost the same results. So far I’m very intrigued. We will see.

Anyway, wish me luck.

Here’s a few more articles relating to health you might enjoy:

(Seriously though guys, I’m pretty healthy.)

A Bunch of Weird Things We’re Doing to Be Healthy

Purchasing Financial Independence $11.57 at a Time

The But First Method- How to Eat What You Want and Still Lose Weight