The other day my wife and I were talking about how it feels like we’ve discovered this secret that we just want to share with the world but nobody seems to care.  It’s like we’re all wandering around aimlessly in the desert and we’ve stumbled upon this oasis.

We feel guilty keeping it to ourselves and we can’t figure out why everyone doesn’t at least want to hear us out. It feels like we’re evangelists trying to spread the gospel of this FIRE movement.   I imagine this is similar to how the prophets of the Old Testament felt when they would rant and rail about God’s impending judgement but nobody gave a shit.  I wonder what it would look like if one of those prophets was really hung up on personal finance, instead of God’s imminent wrath…

The Gospel of Finance

1 Whoa to you a perverse nation! Whoa to you who refuse to open your eyes.  You spend when you have not earned and you harvest what you have not planted.  2 The day will come when all the fields are empty and all the jobs are gone.  Your bones will be tired and your back weak.  In that day you’ll look up and cry, “Why, why didn’t you tell us we needed to save?”

3 You are a generation of whiners and brats! You look up to idols who spend lavishly but have nothing of importance on the inside.  You mock those who prepare for tomorrow while saying, “Why should we save our money? It’s our money. #Yolo.”  4 You imbeciles.  Don’t you know how little time you have left? You have but short years that go faster by the day.  5 Don’t you see the sun setting and rising and setting again? Time does not stop for you to collect what you have wasted.

6 Where are those you looked up to in your youth?  Your heroes from before are all gone and many are penniless.  Their fortunes lost and their necks weighed down with gold chains and metallic teeth.  7 Whoa to you who follow House Kardashian and House Jones but neglect House Buffett and House Mustache.  Whoa to you.

More Old Testament Ranting….

8 You can’t afford your car but you double down on a second.  Your house is too large yet you borrow money to pay for a larger one.  9 What will you do if you get hurt?  You will beg in the streets for a saver. 10 Who will save you from your own depravity?  You spend every penny before it’s even in your bank account and you wonder why you’re so stressed.  11 Dumb asses.

12 I wander the streets proclaiming the good news of Vanguard and low-cost index funds.  You turn away in disinterest. 13  You say, “I have an advisor, why should I worry?”  “How much is he charging you to ‘manage’ your investments? 14 How large is your return?” I ask.  Your shoulders shrug as though I asked if you like bananas. 15 You are a generation too dumb to insult.

16 You eat and drink on the town almost nightly.  Your feet hurt from stumbling home, belly full and drunk.  Your arms are flabby and your ass saggeth.  17 Your belly protrudes yet you are not with child.

18 You buy expensive clothes so that your friends see you and think you have money.  Your friends do the same to trick you.  None of you are able to take care of an emergency.  18 None can withstand a car breaking down or being laid off.  19 None are even slightly prepared for tomorrow.

Really?! A Latte?!?!

20 You drink $6 lattes and complain there isn’t enough left over to save.  21 You have more toys than you have rooms yet you struggle to make it two weeks between paychecks.  What if the paychecks stop coming?  Where will you go for help?  22 Whoa to this generation.  Do you not see your elders struggle in their later years?  Do you not remember that work was once easy for them too?  23 You are a frustrating people.

24 Turn from your idiocy! Turn from your quenchless thirst for material possessions. Turn from your waste. 25 Stop spending frivolously as though tomorrow won’t see the bill.  26 Save your money. Spend only on what brings you happiness. Invest in low-cost index funds.  27 Don’t try to time the market.  Time in the market is far more important than timing the market.

28 Invest in real estate. Invest in your own future. 29 Spend less than you earn and build yourself a buffer so that you can withstand the storms of life.  30 Do you think you’ll never again see a storm?   Build up months of expenses so you have the power to walk away from a bad job.  31 For your life is short and precious! Take care of your future self.  32 Would you be ashamed to have saved last year and this year be better off? Why put next year’s you in the same situation?

Be of good cheer, for hope is not lost…

33 Go now and teach others what you have heard here.  You are a witness to the words I have proclaimed.  It is not too late for you, or for your children.  34 Wake up!  Stop sleeping your days away mindlessly spending and finding yourself unhappy each Monday morning.  Rejoice in the good news that every day can be a weekend day.

35 To my brothers and sisters of FIRE, keep spreading the good message and know that you do not work in vain.  Keep the faith and do not give up.  36 Shout loudly from the rooftops for you have a secret that cannot be hidden.  Go in peace.

Thanks for reading! I think you’ll like one of these articles.  They have less old english words in them.

Becoming a Millionaire and Achieving Financial Independence

Don’t Buy a Bunch of Dumb Shit

Ten Years From Now You May as Well Be Ten Years Ahead

Whoa to you who doth not share with thy neighbors and thine enemies 

*Image courtesy of http://talesofhofmann.blogspot.com/