The Following is a Public Service Announcement Regarding Small Talk:

Small talk is among the worst things modern humans do to themselves.  I think someone invented small talk as a goof and people just didn’t realize it was only supposed to be a joke to annoy normal people, not something you actually do. Despite its origins, there are full-on small talk people—people who enjoy pinning other people down to tell them unimportant facts about their lives and opinions they happen to hold.  Here’s a quick list of the people throughout history who enjoy being on the receiving end of small talk:

My dad.  End of list. 

I don’t even know if my dad actually enjoys listening to small talk or if he feels obligated to participate in it because, as a religious leader, he represents Jesus and therefore can’t tell people to shut their mouth holes and get to the point. I think he just actually enjoys finding out facts about people he’ll never see again.  He’s genuinely a really nice person.  

I am not this way.  My list of people I want to have a small talk conversation with is zero people long.  For the life of me, I do not know why small talk is a thing that exists.  My list of people I will actively seek out a regular conversation with is pretty short and can be broken down into three main categories.

Mr. Burrito Bowl wants to randomly talk with you if one or more of the following is true:

You’re related to Mr. Burrito Bowl.

You’re a buddy of Mr. Burrito Bowl.

 You’re handing out free samples of alcohol or food.

It might be the future hermit in me, but if you don’t meet at least one of those criteria I WILL NOT seek out a conversation with you.  That being said, I absolutely love hanging out and visiting with people who are my family, my friends, or handing out alcohol. 

Now, I’m not saying that I WON’T talk with you, I’m just saying that I won’t be the one seeking out conversation.  If you approach me and strike up a conversation I’ll smile and talk with you and I’ll honestly enjoy myself.  Unless it becomes immediately clear that you’re trying to start up some small talk. I will be polite, but I won’t enjoy it. 

Now, if we are forced into a small talk situation because either 1) I am purchasing something from you, or 2) you are purchasing something from me, and you stop the transaction because you can’t participate in the transaction while simultaneously telling me about your cat, I will lose my damn mind. 

First, I will lose my mind on the inside but, much like a pot of boiling spaghetti water, my true feelings will become apparent in really not that long of a time.  I’m kind of sorry for my lack of monk-like patience, but also you’re kind of being a dick for using a transaction to corner someone into listening to your word vomit for several minutes.  

If You Want to Avoid Small Talk Be Unremarkable

Mrs. Burrito Bowl and I used to be more or less unremarkable while we went about our daily lives.  Small talk people don’t usually seek out unremarkable people.  They wait, like spiders, for unsuspecting unremarkable people to get stuck in their web via some type of transaction. 

To avoid this type of small talk conversation all someone has to do is not put themselves in situations where they’re buying stuff.  That’s really the heart of my frugality.  The joy I’ll get from purchasing an item is usually not worth going through a forced small talk session. 

Small talk people know it is not socially acceptable to accost random, unremarkable people with their conversational drivel.  All bets are off for this socially agreed-upon norm because Mrs. Burrito Bowl is with child, which apparently puts us in the category of remarkable.  For some unknown reason, small talk people are allowed to seek out conversations with remarkable people, whether a transaction is involved or not.  

Over the last several months, we’ve found ourselves participating in a lot of nonconsensual small talk.  Her belly is like a lightning rod for small talk people.  They see her and immediately think, “Well, hey! There’s someone I won’t ever see again that I can just say things at.  I’m sure they have nowhere to be.”  At least I assume this is what goes through their mind.  I can’t know for sure because it’s physically impossible for me to relate to small talk people or to empathize with the way their brains work.  

“Lady, I will jump over this register and ring up my own groceries,” Mr. Burrito Bowl said silently in his heart.

We recently got groceries and the checker happened to be a small talk person.  She started asking Mrs. Burrito Bowl all about Baby Burrito Bowl.  It was really cute, except she doesn’t ACTUALLY care about Baby Burrito Bowl.  She doesn’t care because she doesn’t know us.  She just likes small talk.  

I don’t mind people talking to us while they go about doing their jobs.  That’s just making the world a friendly place.  Mr. Burrito Bowl is in favor of quick, friendly discussions, while situations warrant it.  However, this small talk checker lady refused to play by the rules.  She completely stopped ringing up our groceries while she began to tell us all about her kids, who are now adults.  We did not sign up for a quid pro quo situation.  We agreed to pay a store for food, which was now sitting on the conveyer belt not moving into our bags.  

As the seconds passed without progress towards getting our groceries bagged up, my face smiled but my heart said, “Look at me.  Look into my eyes.  I. Don’t. Care.”  Luckily Mrs. Burrito Bowl is a legitimately sweet person so she was able to navigate the situation along.  Eventually, the lady ran out of facts about her kid so she rang up the remainder of our groceries.

Is Mr. Burrito Bowl Anti-Friendliness? – Appalled Reader

Mr. Burrito Bowl is NOT against friendly normal human behavior.  I will repeat: I am pro-friendliness.  I will smile and talk and make jokes because I’m a lovable character.  But let’s not lose sight of what we’re doing here.  We are in agreement to have a quick conversation neither of us cares to remember, just to avoid the awkward elevator heaviness that would ensue if we both just looked silently at each other.  Once one party stops doing the thing they’re actually there to do, all bets are off.    

I’m not alone in this and I feel no remorse.  I should not feel guilty that my heart rate started to increase as the seconds ticked away while no noticeable progress had been made.  In fact, I should get a gold sticker for NOT jumping over the register and ringing up my own groceries. 

Small Talk People Deserve Love Too

Listen, if you’re a small talk type person, that’s ok.  You are loved and you are important.  However, if we are in a transactional situation where we are forced to interact to fill the empty space while some activity is being done, I should be allowed to bop you on the ears if you stop doing the thing you’re supposed to be doing just so that you can tell me that you also have purchased bananas before.  

Talking with people and being friendly is good customer service.  Not finishing a transaction so that you can talk longer at a person who cannot escape is bad customer service.  

Thank you.

This has been a public service announcement regarding small talk.  

The only redeemable quality of small talk is it increases your stoicism score, which is a good thing.  Go on, read a little about the power of stoicism, or ways to save on groceries or even a humorous article about child labor practices in the early 1990s Montana.  You know you want to read the child labor article.

The Power of Stoicism-Standing in The Cold

11 Smart Ways to Lower Your Grocery Bill and Eat Healthier

A Penny Per Rock- Child Labor in the Early 1990s

If you enjoyed this public service announcement please share it with your friends and even people who routinely stop you from doing whatever you were doing so they can talk at you.