Ok, here’s the situation:  You’re meeting someone for the first time and you need to quickly figure out whether or not you can trust them.  Maybe they want to give you free candy out of the back of their van.   What do you do?  Seems like a sketchy situation, but at the same time, you want that candy.

Some of you will wisely ask what kind of candy they have.  If it’s full size butterfinger or Twix bars, you might have to risk it.  If they say they have bubblegum or fun size anything, the risk to reward ratio might not be in your favor.  Point is, sometimes situations arise where you need to make a split-second judgement as to whether or not you can trust someone.

Don’t worry, kids.  Mr. Burrito Bowl has you covered.  I’m something of an aficionado when it comes to trusting people.  I don’t rely on a feeling in my gut or a horoscope.  I rely on science.

Success in Life is About Asking the Right Questions

When I first meet someone I like to ask them how they drink their coffee.  Trustworthy people will say things like, “I take my coffee black,” or “I prefer cream and sugar.”  Even people who say things like, “I mostly drink coffee flavored cream,” are welcomed into my circle of trust.  Albeit, they are on thin ice.

You know who is NOT in my inner circle of trust?  People who say things like, “Oh, I don’t drink coffee,” then look you dead in the eye like that’s a perfectly reasonable position to have.

“Ok, you f*cking lunatic,” I respond.  “What do you drink in the morning?”

Their responses are generally broken down into three categories:

One- The Tea People

If someone responds they are a tea person I look at them like my dad looks at someone who is a slight different version of Christianity than he is.  I love them, but I think they’re wrong.  These aren’t bad people, just lost.

Drinking tea in the morning is a perfectly reasonable position to hold in these two circumstances:

One-If you’re a family of homeschooled forest people who don’t have access to the internet and never realized several thousand years ago we invented a better morning drink.

Two– If you’re pregnant and everything gives you heartburn.

One could argue tea people are more trustworthy than someone whose version of coffee includes three parts cream to one part coffee.  Still, these are not INNER inner circle people.

Sorry, Mrs. Burrito Bowl.

Two- The Energy Drink People

When someone says they drink an energy drink in lieu of coffee, I immediately get on their level by speaking to them in Brap.  If you don’t know what Brap is, it’s the sound a dirt bike makes when you twist the throttle.

“Ohhhh,” I respond.  “That’s really great.  Brap, brap, brap.”

“Brap, BRAP, brap, brap, Brah!”  is a typical response.

Knowing someone drinks energy drinks in the morning helps me to wrap their personality into a nice bow.  This will help explain why these people tuck their ears into their flat-billed caps, measure their manliness on how high their lift kit on their truck goes, and are often dry-humping the furniture for no reason.

Three- The Mormons

Mormons don’t drink coffee because hot beverages are off limits, other than herbal tea.  If you don’t drink any coffee, not because you’re a lunatic, but because your religion (which was founded by a teenager looking into a hat) doesn’t allow it, you have my deepest sympathies.

One could argue the reason mormons don’t drink coffee is because their founder wasn’t old enough to drink it without burning his lips, but that’s anecdotal.

I don’t know enough about mormonism to know why they do what they do, or enough to write this section, but according to LDS.org this whole coffee rule is true.  They also aren’t allowed to drink alcohol and probably can’t have ice cream before dinner.

I don’t know, I get that religion is important, but consider skirting the rules on any religion that doesn’t allow you to be trustworthy by drinking a nice cup of hot coffee.

Four- The I Just Wake Up Naturally People

Ok you least trustworthy person ever.  You don’t drink ANYTHING when you wake up?  You just wake up and embrace the day?  I think you’re lying.

Now, if you’re new to this line of questioning you might think that all ‘wake up naturally’ people are the same.  This is incorrect.  Wake up naturally people can be broken down into subcategories.

One- Cheery People

These are people who are so excited to greet the day that they have no need for coffee.  Think of Buddy from Elf.  I like Will Ferrell’s character in the hit Christmas movie Elf, but I wouldn’t trust him to handle any important business.

People who just naturally get jazzed about the day to the extent that they don’t require even one cup of a hot caffeinated beverage are about as trustworthy as a sailor on land asking to take your daughter to dinner.  That’s a hard no, sir.  Do NOT trust these people.

Two- I Just Stay Sleepy Until About Noon People

This is the category of lunatic that cuts several layers deep.  These terrifying individuals are just like the rest of us, tired.  The difference is, instead of limiting their own suffering, they actively choose to just walk around like they’re auditioning for the Walking Dead all morning.

I didn’t think this was a category of person who existed in real life.  That is, until I met my friend who I refuse to fully trust, Brandon.  I was roommates with him in college and we’re still friends today.  Granted, he’s by definition untrustworthy, but still, pretty good guy overall.  Actually, he’s one of the most trustworthy guys I’ve ever met, other than not drinking coffee.  Real shame.

Anyway, I’d make coffee in the dorms and offer him some because I’m a gentleman.

“No thanks,” he’d stammer mostly asleep. “I don’t drink coffee.”

“But…” I’d protest. “What’s, what’s wrong with you?”

“I just don’t drink it,” he conceded. “Never really liked it.  I don’t know, I’m pretty tired right now.”

“Right.” I’d nod my head as if I too had experienced being tired.  “See that’s why we all drink coffee.  Do you just wake up naturally?”

“Yeah,” he yawned. “By about noon I’m usually good to go.”

“Excuse me, sir,” I’d look at him like you look at someone who cuts you in line at the bank.  “It’s 7am.  You’re going to walk around mostly asleep for the next five hours?  What’s wrong with you?”

“Didn’t you already ask that?” he’d respond.

Yes, I had already asked that, but he was mostly asleep and didn’t know for sure if I’d asked that or not.

We’d have this conversation a few times per week.  Last I checked he still doesn’t drink coffee.  There’s a chance he’ll even read this article, but he won’t remember it. Again, on account of not drinking coffee.

Boom! Ultimate Life Hack to Quickly Discern Someone’s Trustworthiness

There you have it.  You meet someone new and you need to know how much you should trust them.  Here’s my formula: “Hi, I’m Mr. Burrito Bowl. How do you take your coffee?” *shake hand vigorously.*

 A couple notes:

You can’t just go right out in the open and ask someone IF they drink coffee.  They’ll get suspicious of your tactics.  Instead, ask them HOW they drink their coffee.  Take for granted the fact that, of course they DRINK coffee.  Like a normal person.  The question is HOW they drink it.

People get nervous in social situations.  Don’t let them off the hook by chit-chatting for a few minutes before you pop the big question.

Name.  How do you like your coffee.  Evaluate trust. Boom.  If they get flustered it’s because they know that you know that they can’t be trusted.  Stick to your guns and follow the script.

If you liked this article, here’s a few more humorous articles I think you’ll like:

The Burrito Bowl’s Go To Walmart- The Untold True Story

Why Small Talk is The Worst

Good People Don’t Go Black Friday Shopping on Thanksgiving

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