January- The Worst Month We’ve Had All Year

Happy February. I think we can all agree January was a complete shitshow from day one. I’m glad it’s over. In late December I decided that it would be super fun to remain alcohol-free for the entire month of January because I make poor decisions. Being completely sober is overrated and so was January. I have a lot of emotions heading into February. Let’s pretend January never happened. Happy February 1st, the unofficial New Year!

Here’s how January went down:

So this article was originally supposed to be just about my month without alcohol but then January decided to be January so I recapped some of the major events. Australia burned to the ground, the coronavirus was a thing, World War III started trending on Twitter and Kobe Bryant died. Pretty much the worst month to not have booze.

So here I am, right before the world went to shit, on December 31st. I’m looking at the calendar and noticing January has more days than any of us would prefer.

Then the big day happened. It was officially 2020 and I realized not drinking anything on New Year’s was almost as dumb as not drinking for the entire month.

January 1st: First day of no alcohol for the month. Nevermind all that. We’ll start on January 2nd. Let’s have a drink.

So, not a super successful start. But I mean, who doesn’t drink on New Year’s Day?

Moving on.

January 2nd: Traveling back to Portland. Early morning flight meant I wasn’t tempted with free airplane beer. One day in a row. Now we’re talking.

January 3rd: Son of a bitch. What am I doing? Why would I do this? I’m so thirsty. Australia is burning. I should have a drink for Australia. I won’t, but I should.

January 4th: Mrs. Burrito Bowl decides to have a beer. No problem. I am a strong mental fort. A fort of strength. Not a fortress, just a reasonably sturdy fort.

She drinks half the beer then leaves the other half sitting on the coffee table. And sitting. It’s just sitting there half empty. The beer sweats, I sweat. “What are you looking at?” I mutter to the void. My lust overcomes me. “ARE YOU GONNA DRINK THAT?!” I think loudly in my head towards Mrs. Burrito Bowl.

I can’t take it. Who drinks half a beer? I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I exit the bathroom and ask, this time out loud but in a much more suave way, “Hey girl, you planning on drinking that there delicious beer?”  “No. Do you want it?” she responds innocently. “I WANTED IT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO!” I exclaimed. “You can have it,” she sweetly replies. “I JUST BRUSHED MY TEETH. And I’m heroically not drinking for the entire month. WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?! Let’s just go to bed.”

In retrospect, I was probably overreacting.

January 5th: It’s been weeks since I’ve had a drink. I guess I’ll have tea. Maybe Kombucha. Also, WWIII is trending on Twitter. So, that’s nice.

Minute by minute the hours and days dripped by like frozen honey dripping off a spoon.

January 9th: I’m doing really good at not drinking. I’m great at this. I don’t even want a glass of whiskey with two ice cubes and a dash of orange and cherry bitters. Nope. Not me.

Momentum is a beautiful thing.

January 13th: Finally the month is nearly over. Almost there.

What?! The 13th?! This can’t be right. I added up the scratched out dates.

Sure enough, despite seeming like January was well into its fifth week it was somehow only the 13th.

This is an outrage. This whole month is an outrage.

Literally all of Australia is on fire, the liberals are all about to be drafted, and I’m pretty sure we aren’t allowed to drink Corona anymore. So, hell of a start 2020.

January 22th: I should catalog my month, for science.

That part looked, more or less, like this.

Then the month went from bad to worse.

January 26th: Kobe Bryant, along with his 13-year-old daughter Gianna, died in a helicopter crash with seven other passengers. I was already emotional before I heard the news because that evening I had to take a train to Montana. It was the first time I would spend the night without my daughter next to me.

Having one of my childhood heroes dying was rough, but knowing his daughter also lost her life—on the day I was already sick about leaving my own daughter—was nearly too much to handle. I thought a lot about my article The Day After You Die.  No matter how much you accomplish death can come in an instant. We’re all going to die one day, make sure you take time to look out the window once in a while.

If ever I needed a drink it was this day. Instead, I did a few rounds of Wim Hof breathing. I broke down several times and did my best to hide my tears. I’m proud of myself for not caving in and still getting on the train.

Rest in Power Kobe, Gianna, and all those involved in the wreck.

January 28th: I took my written and physical tests for the police department. This is the reason I’m here, but it’s hard to be away from my family. I passed the written test easily and did better than I expected on the physical tests. I even came in first place in several of the events.

January 29th: I had to interview in front of a panel to see if I was the type of guy they wanted to join the police force. It looked like this.

But it felt like this…

It was pretty nerve-wracking but I did some Wim Hof breathing beforehand so it wasn’t so bad. I felt very good about the whole thing. There was a moment there where I thought Mr. Burrito Bowl was about to become a real-life policeman.

Then this happened…

Well, shucks…

So I threw off my pretend police hat and thought about what path was next in our lives.

It’s a weird feeling not being selected for a job. I wasn’t sure if taking the job was the best thing for my family or not, but it’s still not fun being told you’re not selected. It’s kind of like not being sure if you want to dump your significant other and then they dump you. #Offended.

No matter. Get back on the train and head back to Portland to be with my wife and daughter.

January 30th: After being away since Sunday night there’s nothing I’d rather do than walk into my house and hug them. The trip was a bust. I failed to get the job, but I wasn’t a failure, especially to my daughter. She didn’t care that I didn’t get the job, she just wanted her daddy to hold her. Here’s how that part went down. It was real cute.

January 31st: We did it! I don’t know how, but we got through January. There were approximately 57 times during the month that it seemed like a good time to have a drink, but I prevailed.

We prevailed. We got through the month.

Here’s to February. Let’s never do January again.

If you enjoyed this article please share it with your friends and enemies.

Here are a few more articles that have questionable relevance:

Confirmation Bias- How to be Stupid and Proud of It

On God Part V.II- Heaven, Hell and the Mind-numbing Prospect of Eternity

Free-Range Morality- What’s the Deal with Eggs?