Good People Don’t Smoke Marijuana- Jeff Sessions

Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions famously said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.”  This is obviously asinine because lots of good people smoke marijuana.  What Jeff Sessions meant to say was, “Good people don’t go Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving.”  It was an unfortunate linguistic error that has spawned more than its fair share of controversy.

My guess is that at only 5’4 tall he was unable to correct his error in pronunciation and was left with no stool to stand on other than to defend an outdated view of reefer while simultaneously letting droves of otherwise good people feel it was morally acceptable to peruse malls and retail stores on actual Thanksgiving evening.

“The doors of history swing on the smallest hinges of linguistic errors,” Mr. Burrito Bowl

Let’s Back Up

It’s Thanksgiving time.  A time to reflect and be thankful for what you have.  Ironically, one of the most heart-warming days of the year is immediately followed by the hell-scape of consumerism that is Black Friday.  Thanksgiving isn’t even FOLLOWED by Black Friday, it’s INTERRUPTED by it.  A day of family and friends coming together to give thanks for what we have is cut short by Black Friday sales.  This, in a nutshell, is the most American thing ever. 

We literally don’t get done chewing our Turkey- a bird which we only eat once a year to make us thankful of the fact we don’t have to eat it any other time of the year- before we head out the door to stand in line so that we can buy something new and shiny.  Son. of. a. B*tch.

Black Friday is the absolute furthest thing we do from Thanksgiving.  It’s a day to push and shove your way to the front of the line so you can be the first on your block to have a 79 inch TV to finally replace last years 76 inch TV.  If Black Friday didn’t exist and a movie producer wanted to create the idea that Americans are gross idiots he’d have to come up with a more realistic transition than our Thanksgiving to Black Friday switcheroo.

If this day didn’t exist no one would ever believe an entire country would cut short a day of being thankful for what they have in order to go buy more sh*t.  No one would believe that could be a real thing.  Not even Americans would fall into such a fantastically ironic trap.  Ha!  You think so, huh?

Every year I sit like an old man peering out the window, miffed at the number of people crowded into shopping malls like an endless flock of caged chickens. 

Listen, I don’t mind Black Friday shoppers waiting in line for hours to save a few bucks.  Good on them and their attempt at frugality.  They are misinterpreting what I meant when I preached the good news of frugality, but still, good on them.  Sometimes I wonder if they’ve even read all my blog posts.  

What I DO mind is Black Friday slowly bleeding into more and more of Thanksgiving. I mind because it’s not a victimless crime. Thanksgiving is already being overtaken by Christmas music. We must not let the siren song of Black Friday music overtake what little remains of Thanksgiving.

To play devil’s advocate, Thanksgiving music is a little sparse.  Still, come on, people.

“Sounds like Mr. Burrito Bowl has some underlying hurt feelings about Black Friday,” Guy wanting to justify shopping on Thanksgiving

For years I worked in a shoe store which always had grand sales on Black Friday.  I watched as corporate bigheads would make us open our stores up earlier and earlier to catch the most eager Black Friday shoppers.  They’d run off on vacations to fancy places like Aspen, or Florida, while we toiled in the muck of never-ending consumerism.   Toward the end of my time in retail, we were opening our store by 6 pm, THANKSGIVING DAY!  That meant I had to be there by 5 pm.  

I would have to leave Thanksgiving celebrations with family to go sell shoes because dollar dollar bill ya’ll.  Luckily my Thanksgivings were already a little sparse since all my family was together in Montana while I was stuck in Portland because people needed UGGs.*

*One of the greatest ironies of our Black Friday sales was the fact we would never put UGGs on sale.  Still, people would line up in droves to buy our full priced UGG boots in the middle of the night on Black Friday.  

We'd even say, "Hey, you should buy these boots now.  They won't go on sale for Black Friday."  To which customers would reply, "I think I'll wait and get them on Black Friday."  "Ok," we'd respond. "Just so we're clear, they will be the same price on Black Friday that they are now."  "Oh, ok." They'd say, "I think I'll buy them on Black Friday."

I know many of my friends who rush out on Thanksgiving Day to catch the best sales because their dinner is over and they want to get the deals.  What’s the harm?  They’re still spending time with loved ones.  It’s a family tradition of theirs.  It’s okay. Right, Mr. Burrito Bowl?

No.  It is not okay.  If someone who has made life choices to where they routinely refer to themselves as a burrito bowl is disappointed in you, then you’ve really messed up.  I am disappointed in you if you go out shopping on Thanksgiving.

Retail Workers are the Victims of our Black Friday Debauchery

This is not a victimless crime.  If you’re out shopping, it means countless low-level retail workers have to cut their family time short, or skip it altogether, because you’re bored after dinner and have fear of missing out on the best deals.  Do you think it’s worth the retail worker’s time?  Nope.  They just can’t afford to say no and risk being fired.  

If you want to wake up early on Friday morning and do some shopping, have at it.  If you want to start your Black Friday shopping at 6 pm on Thanksgiving Day, well, you’re a bag of dicks.  Don’t be an entire bag full of dicks.  

The only people who should be able to shop guilt-free on Thanksgiving are those who own the fact that they are terrible human beings.  Those who buy eggs that come from chickens purposefully kept in extra small cages.  People who don’t use their turn signal but then turn right in front of you when they can see you’re waiting to pull out.  People who purchase fat-free ice cream.  These people know they’re terrible humans so why should they miss out on a little Thanksgiving Day Black Friday shopping?

[inspirational music softly builds in the background]

But you’re not like that.  You want deals, sure.  Everyone likes paying less for things, of course.  But you have self-pride.  You’re the kind of person who makes the world better just by being you.

People like you read intellectual blog articles, and only smoke Cowboy Astronaut Cigarettes, which are not for kids.  You pet good dogs when you see them.  You ask, “Who’s a good boy?”  The good dog pants as if to say, “It’s you, you’re the good boy, I’m just a dog.”  You’re a real humanitarian.  You rake up the forests to prevent wildfires because you give a damn.

You’re genuinely a good person.  If Donald J. Trump hadn’t already nominated himself, he’d nominate you for Time magazine’s Person of the Year.  Most of all, you don’t shop on Thanksgiving because you’re not an actual throbbing bag of dicks.  That’s why I like you.

Now go share this article with your unwashed friends who are thinking about stepping outside to stand in line at 7 pm this Thanksgiving night. 

You might want to read one of these posts next.

1. Financial Independence- The Freedom to Choose
2. On God Part VII- Adam and Eve
3. Indigo: A Champion is Crowned- Recap, Reaction, Retweet