Ah, at long last it’s officially the end of 2018 and almost the Year of Our Lord 2019.  Ever since 2018 proved to be little more than 2017 in disguise we’ve been patiently waiting for 2019 to save us from the drudgery of modern time keeping.  How did everyone’s New Year’s resolutions from 2018 end up?

People like to start off the year with New Year’s resolutions because the New Year only comes around once per year.  It’s a good excuse to not start getting your life in order in October, or March, when you’re thinking about your personal shortcomings.  Knowing you can put off any would be self-improvement for at least another month or eleven is more than enough reason for most of us to partake in a New Year’s resolution.

Despite an all-time failure rate of approximately 97.4%, New Year’s resolutions continue to be one of our most cherished American past times on par with baseball and diabetes.

Most New Year’s Resolutions Fail Because…

…Most people are bad at consistency.  That, and people don’t plan out a realistic goal.  The type of people who wait to get off the couch for several weeks until the arbitrary month of January, are also the people who have trouble keeping that momentum going once early January turns into mid-January.

January 1st tends to leave people with a rush of motivation that they assume will be enough to carry them through the next 364 days.  Unfortunately, the momentum of January 1st is fleeting, at best.

Luckily, I’m here to teach you a few of my proven ways to actually keep your New Year’s resolutions.

1) Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are dumb because not only are they destined to fail, they make the gym overcrowded and people are in my way at the produce section of the grocery store.  In short, everyone having a New Year’s resolution makes my life less convenient.  I like being able to use the squat rack without waiting an exceptionally long amount of time.  I like getting kale at the store without running into a bunch of shopping carts, and I like being average on the friendliness spectrum.

When people make inappropriate New Year’s resolutions like: I will be nicer to my fellow man. It makes me look bad because I’m the same kind of stand-offish, resting bitch face, middle-of-the-road guy I was in December.

I know what you’re thinking.  Actually, I don’t know. Maybe you’re thinking something like this:

“I HAVE to make a New Year’s Resolution because I am a hundred pounds overweight and I can’t clip my toenails.”

First of all, gross.  Long toenails are a real turn off for me.  Secondly, while losing a hundred pounds is a worthy enough cause, especially if you’ve got a hundred pounds to lose, making it a New Year’s resolution is setting yourself up to be a bigger failure than you normally are.

People who manage to get their tub-tubs a hundred pounds overweight tend to be, how should I put this, physically inactive.  The rotund among us frequently partake in fad diets and forgo the uncomfortable side of the coin known as exercise.  Then, they forgo the other uncomfortable side of the coin known as consistently having a healthy diet.

This can be a lethal one-two punch when coupled with the overwhelming task of losing a hundred pounds starting January 1st.  It can quickly become much easier to cancel the resolution for the remaining 11 1/2 months and try again next year.  Doing this year after year is probably what got them to the point that they had a hundred pounds to lose to begin with.

Start Your New Year’s Resolution BEFORE The New Year, While It’s Still December

That Way You Can Judge the New Year’s Resolution People.

If you’ve got some goals you want to attain starting on January 1st, just go ahead and start working towards those goals right now. If you’re serious about making some sort of life change then waiting until the New Year is silly.

You’re only a day away from the New Year so why on earth would you wait until January 1st when you’re part of the eye-rolling New Year’s resolution crowd?  Everyone will look down on you for quitting your New Year resolution if you wait until January 1st.  Instead, start whatever fool-hearty program you’re statistically bound to fail, now, in 2018.  That way when the topic of New Year’s resolutions comes up you can look down on everyone just starting in 2019.

“Ha, these New Year resolution people will never keep at it.  I’ve been on my program since sometime in 2018.”- You

See how much more fun that is?  Start in late 2018 and conveniently say you started at some point in 2018.  Don’t worry that you literally started at the last possible moment of 2018.  Nobody needs to know that.  As an added bonus, if you do happen to be the among the nearly unanimous drove of people who don’t manage to continue their latest foray into fitness, philanthropy, foreign language study, etc. you can assure everyone that you’re not quitting any kind of silly New Year resolution.  The secret to your success of course is starting your cursed endeavor way back in 2018.

Mr. Burrito Bowl You Sound Like an Ass

Listen, Mr. Burrito Bowl is all about people making smart choices to make themselves healthier and happier, all while not being in my way.  If the whole world got on board with year round physical fitness, then the gyms would change to accommodate such growth.  Their would be several squat racks available to keep up with the demand of the public.

If the whole world started eating healthy foods then grocery stores would be mostly real food and beer as the Lord intended and nobody would be grabbing the last bag of Spring Mix from under my clutches.

As it is, the New Year’s resolution people are only there for a month or two so it doesn’t make sense for the gym to go out and buy more equipment and it doesn’t make sense for grocery stores to permanently stock more healthy food.  This means every January my gym time inevitably increases by several minutes because I’m spending more time dodging resolution people and less time vainly working on my aging life machine.

If you want to make a permanent life change I say good on you.  Go forth and conquer and become the person you have yet to become.  If you only are interested in being healthy or getting your sh*t together for the first few weeks of the year then you’re just making healthy people late.

If this article offended you then you probably won’t like any of these articles:

Don’t Trust People Who Don’t Drink Coffee

Why Small Talk is The Worst

The Burrito Bowl’s Go to Walmart

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