Tag: Humor

Why Small Talk is The Worst

The Following is a Public Service Announcement Regarding Small Talk:

Small talk is among the worst things modern humans do to themselves.  I think someone invented small talk as a goof and people just didn’t realize it was only supposed to be a joke to annoy normal people, not something you actually do. Despite its origins, there are full-on small talk people—people who enjoy pinning other people down to tell them unimportant facts about their lives and opinions they happen to hold.  Here’s a quick list of the people throughout history who enjoy being on the receiving end of small talk:

Continue reading “Why Small Talk is The Worst”

The $2 Meal When I Don’t Pack a Lunch

We’ve all been there.  It’s lunchtime around the ol’ office and everyone is grabbing their coats and top hats, or whatever.  They’ve got to move quickly, like a herd of time-compressed sheep, because the lunch break is only so long.  They rush out into the cold world to give away much of their hard-earned profit for an overpriced lunch they’ll shove down their throats with hardly a second to taste.

Not you.  You’re on a different plan.  You want to be financially free, frolicking on a beach, while your coworkers are still grabbing their top hats for their daily mid-work food purchasing extravaganza.  Continue reading “The $2 Meal When I Don’t Pack a Lunch”

“Hell Yeah, Give me the Off Road Tires,”- Mr. Burrito Bowl Almost Buys a Truck

Earlier this year I almost bought a truck. Well, by almost I mean I went down the rabbit hole of looking at trucks on Craigslist and daydreaming about the inherent testosterone increase that lies therein.

It’s a dangerous hole to start looking in because there’s just so many fun options.  First, I decided it was a need not a want.  Very important to only buy needs when chasing financial independence.  I NEEDED a truck because I’ve been driving a Honda Fit to the various construction sites for the last couple of years and at a certain point it’s just un-American. Continue reading ““Hell Yeah, Give me the Off Road Tires,”- Mr. Burrito Bowl Almost Buys a Truck”

The Gospel of Finance- Ranting Old Testament Prophet Edition

The other day my wife and I were talking about how it feels like we’ve discovered this secret that we just want to share with the world but nobody seems to care.  It’s like we’re all wandering around aimlessly in the desert and we’ve stumbled upon this oasis.

We feel guilty keeping it to ourselves and we can’t figure out why everyone doesn’t at least want to hear us out. It feels like we’re evangelists trying to spread the gospel of this FIRE movement.   I imagine this is similar to how the prophets of the Old Testament felt when they would rant and rail about God’s impending judgement but nobody gave a shit.  I wonder what it would look like if one of those prophets was really hung up on personal finance, instead of God’s imminent wrath… Continue reading “The Gospel of Finance- Ranting Old Testament Prophet Edition”

The Burrito Bowls Go To Walmart- The Untold True Story

 Disclaimer:  The following post makes light of the various characters one encounters upon entering a Walmart.  If description of said characters is likely to offend, please do not read.  This article is strictly for entertainment and also to help us process what we saw.  This is our story.

In the not too distant past Mr. and Mrs. Burrito Bowl ventured into unknown territory. We went to Walmart.

Our foray into the unknown started off innocently enough.  We needed supplies for my birthday party and we didn’t want to hit up Costco on a weekend. Continue reading “The Burrito Bowls Go To Walmart- The Untold True Story”

A Penny Per Rock- The Original Side Hustle of Rock Picking

"Kids would give their right arm to be able to ride these horses," - My dad, explaining to my brother and I that we loved horses.

Need a side hustle idea?  How about rock picking?

I grew up in a small town in Northwest Montana.  I was lucky enough to live on the edge of a 45-acre meadow and be in a family that owned several horses.  It was, and still is, an idyllic place to have yourself a childhood.  All 9-year-old girls love horses. Unfortunately for my brother and I, neither of us were ever 9-year-old girls.

We didn’t really like horses. Mostly because horses equated to hours of involuntary labor.  The juice was not worth the squeeze, as it were.

It’s worth noting that neither myself nor my brother ever asked to own horses.  My dad is the horse person in the family.  This was not a Christmas present we begged for.  We just had them because my dad liked them.  Our family did not run under democratic law. Continue reading “A Penny Per Rock- The Original Side Hustle of Rock Picking”

The 4% Rule- How To Know When You’ve Reached Financial Independence

I have a good friend who we’ll call Eric because his name is Eric.  It’s his real name, not even a made up name to protect his identity.  He once said I can feel free to share his social security number so I don’t think he’ll care about me using his real name in my article about the 4% rule. He might have been joking about that, but I don’t like to assume things.

Unfortunately, I can’t remember his social security number so we’ll just have to make due with his first name.

Eric was lamenting the fact that retirement was simply not in the cards for our generation. Continue reading “The 4% Rule- How To Know When You’ve Reached Financial Independence”

Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener in Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent

Pretty Gal: Wow, Carl. Your car sure smells.

Carl: Aw shucks Jenny, I was going to get an air freshener but I just can't afford one.

Pretty Gal named Jenny: Oh Carl, I just can't be with a man who can't make a Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener

Narrator Addressing Audience: This situation has happened to us all. If this story hits a little too close to home then we've got just the thing.  

Narrator Addressing Carl: Cheer up, Carl. You just need a little "Grassy Mower" in your life, from your friends, The Burrito Bowls.
*Winks at Camera*

Carl: Gee, thanks classic 1950s male voice narrator. I'm gonna 'Do it myself' with Burrito Bowl Diaries Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent.
*Thumbs up*

Are you tired of paying exorbitant prices to the Little Trees company just to keep your car smelling like Summer Linen? Do you have daydreams of your passengers mistaking your car for a Spring Meadow? Are you sick of small fractions of your window being taken up with those cardboard trees dangling from your rearview mirror? How can anyone afford to pay up to $2.99 every few months and still save for their children’s college?!  Well you’re in luck, friends, your money saving ship has finally come in with our non-patented Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener! Continue reading “Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener in Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent”

Local Minimalists Give up Dresser/Ceiling in Bid to Find Freedom

Portland, ORE. -Local aspiring minimalists, Jane and Fred Teeples, made headlines this week by taking their minimalism to new levels and getting rid of their dresser.

“We want to become minimalists,” Fred said as he proudly stood in a pile of loose clothes inside their Multnomah County home.

Continue reading “Local Minimalists Give up Dresser/Ceiling in Bid to Find Freedom”