Category: Humor

Good People Don’t Go Black Friday Shopping on Thanksgiving

Good People Don’t Smoke Marijuana- Jeff Sessions

Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions famously said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.”  This is obviously asinine because lots of good people smoke marijuana.  What Jeff Sessions meant to say was, “Good people don’t go Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving.”  It was an unfortunate linguistic error that has spawned more than its fair share of controversy.

My guess is that at only 5’4 tall he was unable to correct his error in pronunciation and was left with no stool to stand on other than to defend an outdated view of reefer while simultaneously letting droves of otherwise good people feel it was morally acceptable to peruse malls and retail stores on actual Thanksgiving evening.

“The doors of history swing on the smallest hinges of linguistic errors,” Mr. Burrito Bowl

Let’s Back Up

Continue reading “Good People Don’t Go Black Friday Shopping on Thanksgiving”

5 Steps to Stop Being a Chronically Late Person

Before we really get into it, I don’t know if these steps will actually work or not.  I’ll just be upfront about that.  I don’t know if these steps will work because I already show up to places on f*cking time.  I have no way of testing these steps because I don’t need these steps.  But if you’re someone who is chronically late this will benefit you.

An unsettling amount of my family is chronically late.  Ironically, there is probably at least one or two relatives of Mr. Burrito Bowl, reading this post just real quick, right now, before they head out the door.  They will inevitably be late for whatever they were supposed to be at. Continue reading “5 Steps to Stop Being a Chronically Late Person”

Easy 4-Day Gym Rotation to Help You Impress Strangers and Kids

Are you tired of being approached in malls and grocery stores and asked if you want to be a shirtless star in an upcoming Christmas calendar only to find out later they just wanted you to BUY an upcoming Christmas calendar that somebody else starred in? Does your son or daughter always find an excuse to NOT dress up as YOU for Super Hero day at school?  We’ve all been there.  The problem isn’t that these are unrealistic goals. The problem is you aren’t sticking with an easy to follow gym rotation. Continue reading “Easy 4-Day Gym Rotation to Help You Impress Strangers and Kids”

“Hell Yeah, Give me the Off Road Tires,”- Mr. Burrito Bowl Almost Buys a Truck

Earlier this year I almost bought a truck. Well, by almost I mean I went down the rabbit hole of looking at trucks on Craigslist and daydreaming about the inherent testosterone increase that lies therein.

It’s a dangerous hole to start looking in because there’s just so many fun options.  First, I decided it was a need not a want.  Very important to only buy needs when chasing financial independence.  I NEEDED a truck because I’ve been driving a Honda Fit to the various construction sites for the last couple of years and at a certain point it’s just un-American. Continue reading ““Hell Yeah, Give me the Off Road Tires,”- Mr. Burrito Bowl Almost Buys a Truck”

The Gospel of Finance- Ranting Old Testament Prophet Edition

The other day my wife and I were talking about how it feels like we’ve discovered this secret that we just want to share with the world but nobody seems to care.  It’s like we’re all wandering around aimlessly in the desert and we’ve stumbled upon this oasis.

We feel guilty keeping it to ourselves and we can’t figure out why everyone doesn’t at least want to hear us out. It feels like we’re evangelists trying to spread the gospel of this FIRE movement.   I imagine this is similar to how the prophets of the Old Testament felt when they would rant and rail about God’s impending judgement but nobody gave a shit.  I wonder what it would look like if one of those prophets was really hung up on personal finance, instead of God’s imminent wrath… Continue reading “The Gospel of Finance- Ranting Old Testament Prophet Edition”

The Burrito Bowls Go To Walmart- The Untold True Story

 Disclaimer:  The following post makes light of the various characters one encounters upon entering a Walmart.  If description of said characters is likely to offend, please do not read.  This article is strictly for entertainment and also to help us process what we saw.  This is our story.

In the not too distant past Mr. and Mrs. Burrito Bowl ventured into unknown territory. We went to Walmart.

Our foray into the unknown started off innocently enough.  We needed supplies for my birthday party and we didn’t want to hit up Costco on a weekend. Continue reading “The Burrito Bowls Go To Walmart- The Untold True Story”

A Penny Per Rock- The Original Side Hustle of Rock Picking

"Kids would give their right arm to be able to ride these horses," - My dad, explaining to my brother and I that we loved horses.

Need a side hustle idea?  How about rock picking?

I grew up in a small town in Northwest Montana.  I was lucky enough to live on the edge of a 45-acre meadow and be in a family that owned several horses.  It was, and still is, an idyllic place to have yourself a childhood.  All 9-year-old girls love horses. Unfortunately for my brother and I, neither of us were ever 9-year-old girls.

We didn’t really like horses. Mostly because horses equated to hours of involuntary labor.  The juice was not worth the squeeze, as it were.

It’s worth noting that neither myself nor my brother ever asked to own horses.  My dad is the horse person in the family.  This was not a Christmas present we begged for.  We just had them because my dad liked them.  Our family did not run under democratic law. Continue reading “A Penny Per Rock- The Original Side Hustle of Rock Picking”

Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener in Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent

Pretty Gal: Wow, Carl. Your car sure smells.

Carl: Aw shucks Jenny, I was going to get an air freshener but I just can't afford one.

Pretty Gal named Jenny: Oh Carl, I just can't be with a man who can't make a Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener

Narrator Addressing Audience: This situation has happened to us all. If this story hits a little too close to home then we've got just the thing.  

Narrator Addressing Carl: Cheer up, Carl. You just need a little "Grassy Mower" in your life, from your friends, The Burrito Bowls.
*Winks at Camera*

Carl: Gee, thanks classic 1950s male voice narrator. I'm gonna 'Do it myself' with Burrito Bowl Diaries Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent.
*Thumbs up*

Are you tired of paying exorbitant prices to the Little Trees company just to keep your car smelling like Summer Linen? Do you have daydreams of your passengers mistaking your car for a Spring Meadow? Are you sick of small fractions of your window being taken up with those cardboard trees dangling from your rearview mirror? How can anyone afford to pay up to $2.99 every few months and still save for their children’s college?!  Well you’re in luck, friends, your money saving ship has finally come in with our non-patented Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener! Continue reading “Do It Yourself Car Air Freshener in Financially Responsible Grassy Mower Scent”

Local Minimalists Give up Dresser/Ceiling in Bid to Find Freedom

Portland, ORE. -Local aspiring minimalists, Jane and Fred Teeples, made headlines this week by taking their minimalism to new levels and getting rid of their dresser.

“We want to become minimalists,” Fred said as he proudly stood in a pile of loose clothes inside their Multnomah County home.

Continue reading “Local Minimalists Give up Dresser/Ceiling in Bid to Find Freedom”

How I Lost 11 Pounds Drinking Kirkland Light

Are you looking to drink less beer?! have I got a product for you!

Listen, I love beer. I do not love Kirkland Light.  My love for a good dark beer is one of my best personality traits.  I will be slightly mean to a child for an imperial stout beer.  This isn’t a close call either.  I will tell a small boy that he can’t be a super hero because that’s not a real career path if it gets me a thick, 10% ABV, pitch-black imperial stout.

My love of beer has given me many a glorious evenings around some type of fire and/or friends.  These are the times the poets of old wrote about.  My love of beer has also given me a very dad like beer belly regardless of the fact that I am not a father.  In fact, I made a comment to my wife about how I’m going to get the ol’ 6-pack abs back to which she replied, “You used to have a 6-pack?” Continue reading “How I Lost 11 Pounds Drinking Kirkland Light”